So I’ve been in contact with some of you people and I’ve been informed that you are not, in fact, “naked spiderfish people” but actually are real human beings and so forth, just trapped in another dimension.
You still seem really fascinated by your own nakedness if my wanderings upon your ‘nets and webs are any indication. But whatever.
I’ve also been told that some of you play these games that are basically stories which are sort of about people like me and those in my dimension, with the elves and Dragons and dungeons and whatnot. And then people have been sending me questions about who I am and what I do and what my ‘stats’ are and that kind of thing. So I figured I would answer some of these and maybe then we can move along.
"What’s your alignment?"
I had to read some of your story-game books about this, because otherwise my standard reply to this question would be, “eight inches and I dress to the left, my dear.” But apparently, according to your tomes of gaming I’m closest to something called Chaotic Neutral or maybe Neutral Good, depending on who you ask. I looked for Neutral Greedy but there wasn’t one like that so if anybody does ask, especially the damn Paladin, I’m Neutral Good, yeah.
"What race are you?"
I’m apparently Human. I do sometimes claim to be part Elf though, if an adventuring party is looking for that, because sometimes dumb adventurers think Humans can’t find secret doors or traps. It’s terribly racist of them, but that’s the business. Hell, I’ve even been known to find “traps” that are just oddly shaped rocks in the floor and “disarm” them just to make a party happy. Hey, as long as they think I’m keeping them safe, they won’t bitch as much if I pocket a little treasure on the side for myself.
Truthfully though, my great-great-grandfather was a Rogue that supposedly settled down and married a Medusa. I don’t know. Though I admit, mean women with big hair do turn me to stone. Or at least part of me…
NUDGE NUDGE WINK WINK.
"Why are you just called ‘Rogue’? What’s your real name?"
Well, you can’t just go around giving out your real name to people for several reasons. One, real names have power and I have no idea who or what is reading this silly list of things. Two, as a Rogue, um, well… I steal things. Like, a lot of things. So that could go badly for me if my name got out. Third, Rogues in general are an… attractive sort. So, you know, every now and again maybe a lady Cleric or Sorceress or lady Monk or lady half-orc Rogue/Fighter with the biggest breastplate I’ve ever seen might just get a little out of hand during a post-dungeon celebration with the wine and spirits and ask someone like me if I would like to “pick her pockets” or “hide in her shadows” or whatever. And the last thing I need is to have an adventuring companion get all mad at me about something I said on here about our randy unarmed combat session. That kind of indiscretion will kill you faster than a Hill Giant. So just call me Rogue, for now.
"What are your stats?"
Wow. I had to look this one up in one of those Dragon Dungeon books. This is kind of weird that you play games about people like us and just assign random numbers to things we do, but okay. I’ll take a shot at it, sure.
STR = 12 (That’s about it, because the last thing a Rogue wants is a bunch of muscles. Gods. People will start wanting you to carry crap around the dungeon, or worse yet, charge the enemy. Screw that.)
DEX = 25 (Yeah, I guess that’s supposed to be godlike or whatever, but in my mind that’s about accurate. Just take the most agile person you know, add a couple of points and make them really sexy. That’s me.)
CON = 16 (I can drink with the best of ‘em, but I’m no pack mule. Unless it’s Pack Mules Drink Free Night at the Braying Donkey Inne. Then I’m your ass, for sure.)
INT = 16 (HAH! Wizards think they’re so freakin’ smart. Well, okay, they are, but don’t ever let them know you think that or you will have to hear no end of lectures on the multiverses or the nature of magic and mathematics or something they call “Firefly” and on and on. Gods. Bunch of nerds.)
WIS = 8 (Wisdom is for clerics and paladins and other people with big sticks up their arses. Leap before you look and shoot anything that moves on the way down, is my motto.)
CHA = 17 (I’m sexy and I know it, girl. Yeah, I saw you checking out that Paladin, sure. You know what? He’s totally into other dudes. Oh yes, no lie. It’s something that happens when they get trained in those temples. Yeah, yeah, little known fact. But it’s okay, I’m Rogue, and I’m here to help. I’ve got some rare holy wine that I stole off the Cleric and some interesting etchings of old temple ruins that I borrowed from the Mage up in my room, you want to check it out? Of course you do. No, it’s cool baby, I won’t tell a soul.
You can trust me.)
I hope that helps. Due to a little “misunderstanding” between me and my former companions about some wine and some maps and what apparently was the daughter of the local Baron I’ll be moving along now to another group of adventurers.
I think I’ll tell them I’m a Bard.
Until then, readers, I remain yours,